Five years is a long time by any standard and it feels even longer to have spent that time much where, externally at least, nothing seems to have changed. Around 2009 I stumbled, unknowingly, into a process that would, in the years to come, dig up large parts of my past and present, and also ask some serious questions about my future and my place in the world. The years since threw light on much inconsistency, lack of alignment and a multitude of other issues.
I won’t lie and paint a pretty picture of the process. It has been tough as hell at times and also something that is deeply private and personal. But, I’m finally happy with how things are. The answers have not always been what I thought it would be. The questions were, at times, painful to even hear. And there has been also a significant amount of hurt, to myself and others, that was created in the process. I guess most of that was avoidable, but a lot of times it is just not possible to avoid that pain, if you are searching for the underlying truth.
Fittingly, the outcome is not all that different. The pieces on the board are more or less the same ones, but the way I see it now is vastly different from five years ago. It feels good to feel light. It feels good to have a blank page in front of you and know that you can paint any picture that you want on it, only, this time, I’ll look to draw exactly what I want to draw. No more running, no more hiding. And a lot of happier, healthier choices.