It has been another hell of a year. Since it is no fun to go into the “did not think it could get harder” trope, I will not do that. The idea that the hard bits are an interlude is an idea that is wrong. If you live a responsible adult’s life, there will always be tough parts to it as the norm. The trick is in finding the most optimal way to deal with it and still, somehow, find the time and means to do the truly spectacular things. And this is something that everyone goes through, just that some make it look really really easy.
The tens of thousands of words written about living in the moment (and for the less disciplined, the day) and not looking too far ahead is made as quite an emphatic point when it is forced down your throat. Life changes in a rather dramatic fashion when the point is made, again and again, that you control very little of it and even the little control that you seemed to have is mostly a trick of your own mind.
I have gone from “living the moment” on a whimsical trip to the mountains that I undertook while being answerable to nobody and nothing to “living the moment” for the next 10-minutes. Because, that is all the time I will get to spare today while a pile of things stack up and a good chunk of them do not work out. This makes for wonderful writing when you have the luxury to sit back and elaborate on it when things are OK, but it makes for some really hard living when you are battling a stream of things that continually go wrong.
On the other hand, you can trace a direct line for all that to my insistence on not settling for less than what I think is ideal. At every stage, where I have chosen otherwise, it has been a disaster and once you choose this path, you have to grind on through a lot of rock before you hit that speck of precious you have been looking for. Naturally, the question arises — is it worth all that effort? If I am honest, I must say that on bad days, it feels terrible. You feel like such an idiot for ploughing what is often a lone furrow, while others seem to have it easy. On all the other days, it feels like the only right choice that is there.
A superstition that I seem to have acquired along the way is that if I publicly acknowledge something good, something terrible happens to it immediately. Logically, I know, that is not the case. Both good and bad things happen to everyone all the time, but we tend to remember the bad things more and what can be considered probable cause. The things will happen anyway, whether you wrote about it or you wore the unlucky yellow shirt is just your way of finding a way of apportioning blame or a simplistic explanation.
On an unrelated note, after getting a bit too battered with events in the past few years, this year, I started therapy. It was a trying experience initially. But, over time, it helped me manage a lot of my anxiety and my incessant guilt tripping. It did open up a lot of other fronts, because, after all, a successful process will end up making you feel more and also make you feel a lot more vulnerable. Overall, I am glad I signed up and it has been easily one of the best accomplishments of this year.
Did I say earlier that life has been terribly hellbent on making me live the moment? That is what is there to be said about the coming year. There are so many things that I want to do, but all that is happening for the foreseeable future is holding ground and putting together little pieces, one at a time, without getting too invested into what the puzzle will finally reveal, if it reveals at all, that is. We still do not know what will happen in the months to come. We have never known what will happen in the months to come.
Living that knowledge is the biggest thing for the 2017.
You have a great 2018.