A-year-ago, on April 10th 2016, we lost our son. He did not even have a chance to see any of the world that we were so eager to share with him. It still feels very odd writing this down as he was, till his last moment, as complete and as real as a human being could ever be and yet there was very little that we ever really got to see of him. The 12-months that followed has been extremely trying, beset by various health issues, an ongoing battle with cancer in the family and challenges related to work and other things.
The loss of your child cannot be expressed in words; or by any other means. I do not know how do people ever come to live with it. We have struggled our way through it and often times it has been extremely hopeless. It is similar to trying to heal a hurt somewhere inside of you that you cannot reach. All words of comfort and all sorts of logic eventually fails at the simple point that we lost him and there is absolutely nothing in this world that will bring him back.
I have been through so many battles in life and pulled myself out of them all, one way or the other. The scars from those battles always remain, but the dismemberment caused by it has been devastating. It has taken considerable effort for me to occasionally go beyond the fact that I failed him and that every thought — good or bad — must be ended with that thought as the only conclusion.
All these multiple brushes with mortality has left a crushing impact as I now know how real the loss can be. With all else that has gone on, including the cancer, my own life’s self-indulgence has been whittled down many a notch. There are days on end where life comes down to living just the current week, day or just the few hours of normalcy that it affords at a time. There is often no tomorrow as you do not know what it will bring and a lot of days it only serves to bring more frustration or bad news.
With age also doing its thing, it makes my own place in the world something I wonder about. At best, I am looking at another 20-years at the most of being able to make a significant contribution — that is if I am lucky enough to live and be functional for that long. The work I do from here-on has to amount to something more than just helping me earn a good living. It has to be meaningful and help people live better. It has to be something that I really believe in.
The last 12-months has left little of any belief standing. My own hubris regarding a multitude of things has been decimated because of everything that has happened. It is the greatest challenge to overcome as this is a fight that is for life itself. To live in fear is to experience a slow drowning of sorts. The first step is to be able to overcome at it as it is not life to live in fear that way.