As expected, it has been a tougher-than-normal winter. As expected, life has gone places where it was least expected to go. There has been much that was sought. There has been much that has been a disappointment - the self being not the least in leading the list. I wish the story was different every year, but it has not been. As I am fond of saying, you do the best that you can bring yourself to do. And this winter has been no exception on that front.
Love is such a weird thing. It is about what we have and what we don't have at the same time. It is about what we can measure and what we can't measure at the same time. It is conditional and unconditional at the same time. It is all that you are about and it can be everything that you are not about at the same time.
Okay, let us cut the crap.
As usual, come every December, I manage to fuck my life upside down and this year has been no exception. Yes, there are contributing factors and those will always be aplenty in this world. But, that someone put a gun in your hand is not good enough reason for you to pick it up and kill twenty others with it. And, as usual, in hindsight you can see everything clearly, but hindsight is never realtime, which sucks, but life is always only as realtime as you want it to be or as realtime as you can handle.
In every possible way, I am leading a life that I never could have thought I'd live. That is an interesting predicament when you never thought much about the life you wanted to have. Do you ever have that feeling of waking up one day, looking at your life and saying, "hey, this is just a joke, a gag, OK? We made all of this up, can we have out now?" As we know, that is just a little fantasy and a short-lived one at that.
I think we all lie and delude ourselves to varying extents to get along in life. There is nothing wrong with that. After all, the extremes of either truth or honesty won't be desirable in this world, leaving things absolutely unhinged. The trouble happens when you realize that what you think what the "is" is is not really is what it is. It leaves every colour and feeling drained out of what you've known so far in life, leaving only a dull monochrome behind.
To put colour back in it is a tedious process. To do that, first you need to understand what colour is and that is tough going when all that is there is monochrome.
So, I have been trying to get some colour back. It is tough, indeed. I do not even know what colours look like at the moment. Forget partial knowledge, there is little that I know in terms of knowing itself. So, forward is largely blind. Forward is largely a decision to jettison direction as defined by the past. Forward is not trusting yourself, yet trusting yourself to understand that you don't trust yourself at all. Forward is knowing that tomorrow is not something under your control, yet you need to give it and yourself a chance.
Sometimes, even in the worst of moments, life just fills you up so much from the inside that you are no longer sure whether it is being filled with good or with bad, but like the chill of a winter's night, it just leaves not a single part of you not overwhelmed. Where I am at right now, I am not sure whether it is something that I really feel or if it is something that I want to feel.
