This site (and many of the other places on the internet where I have previously jotted down my personal thoughts) is a good example of the many contradictions within me. I am, by nature, a very private person and I don’t often share much about myself in most circumstances. I guess a large part of it was due to my own perception that what I felt or thought was not really relevant and later it became a matter of convenience as keeping your thoughts to yourself gives you great leverage in relationships.
Yet, I choose to write down these things on various corners of the internet, often having no clue about who reads them and why. Till the recent years, I used to write heavily obfuscated, flowery language to write in places like these. There were a lot of words that were used, but little was said. And what little was said was often a riddle, a message in a bottle to be discovered and interpreted. That has changed a lot. I try to write now, as much as possible, to write without hiding behind words.
Writing like this helps me think logically. From that perspective, this is a purely selfish pursuit. I have other notes and bits of writing stashed away in inaccessible places because it forces me to come clean about what I feel and think, at least to myself, no matter how good, bad or ugly it looks. In that, it is a bit of a cleansing or polishing. I keep poking holes in what I think, removing layer upon layer of the sheer white feelings, till I can get to they ‘why’ of how/what I feel.
‘What’ enables me to justify anything I do. It is the ultimate drug of convenience. Once what I feel begins to justify my actions, anything is possible and it also easily overrides my ability to empathize with another person or a situation. What makes it even more troubling is the fact that without additional effort, it is nearly impossible to recognize how it affects me at a subconscious level.
But, the ‘why’ is the hardest one to chase down. It is easiest to escape it and hide behind the ‘what’ when it comes to feelings. The ‘why’ often holds answers and perspectives that are terribly uncomfortable for me. But it requires patience, a lot of patience in fact, to do it. It also requires tremendous amount of discipline. The mind is an incredibly powerful thing.