One aspect of working on your own is that brings out, in all its vivid glory, every conflict inside you. Starting with my early years of working in the industry in 2000, I had started what most people refer to as 'living it up,' partying, drinking a lot and going out more often than not every week. This continued on for years, till about two years ago when it stopped, just like that. Over time, I have consciously, and sometimes subconsciously, been reducing clutter in both my life and my living space. My rooms have few things that are kept in the open and I tend to give away or throw out more things now than to keep accumulating more.
The past six months has given all that another twist. Since I am not doing a regular job anymore, it becomes a crucial requirement that I cut down on expenses that don't derive much value for me. As a result I eat out very rarely, don't party anymore and have given up on a lot of frivolous expenses and habits. What is interesting is that while these changes were largely made when times were hard and every penny had to be saved, now that things are starting to look brighter, I don't feel the need or desire them. I know for a fact that I can have them if I want to, but I just don't seem to want them enough.
It was not that I started out wanting to edge more and more closer to a Spartan existence through this process. In fact, it is the opposite. I have always liked my occasional indulgences, from good food to fine clothing, and it was not without a bit of effort that the cutbacks were made. So, where exactly is the conflict? Well, in this case, the conflict is not really internal. It is largely external.
When you have a hard time being a part of the things the world around you loves to do with regularity, it becomes a bit of an issue. Societal norms demand it that you should please, or at least aim to please by being participatory and appreciative. When you have not much left by means of any desire to do any of that, it does become a problem. People do wind up taking you for being rude, snobbish or arrogant because of that. I am not saying that what people say and think should matter, but it is a conflict that is not really needed.
On the flip side, I have come to really like the space that I occupy now. I am not sure if it has a lot to do with turning 30, but I love my books, a bit of music and the ability to travel and drive around in some really lovely places. As a trade-off, being misconstrued is something I can live with (be it grudgingly) for being able to do that.
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